I Will Not Fear. God is with Me Always

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged" Deuteronomy 31:8

I am not alone! Those comforting words resonate great peace for me now that I truly believe God is with me always. For years, I struggled with feeling alone, and at times, it became a paralyzing fear. 

When I was a little girl, I remember feelings of anxiety when thinking of being alone. Nothing bad ever happened to me to make me feel this way, but the insecurities within myself kept the fear alive.  I needed someone with me to assure all was good, distract me from my negative thoughts, and help me make the right choices. I wasn't okay by myself, and I didn't want to mess up and not be accepted or loved.

My mother expressed how much she wanted me and loved me daily as her special, adopted child. However, my negative thoughts would creep in and tell me I wasn't good enough and didn't belong.  Wondering why my father left us when I was only two years old added to my unhealthy thought pattern.  Anxiety and fear grew, and panic attacks and a recurring nightmare began.  I would dream of my mother jumping into a quicksand pit declaring she was leaving me all alone.  These feelings created a dependence on other people since I didn't trust myself and know my true identity as God's beloved child.

As I grew older, I developed confidence and learned skills to deal with my anxiety.  I didn't mind being alone as much, but I still searched for comfort from others.

Seeking support and companionship helped me.  However, my genuine security and healing began when I allowed God full access to my heart, my mind and my life.  God planted the right people in my path to show me His presence and promises, and encourage me to surrender to Him.

Acknowledging God's unwavering presence in my life and enjoying a beautiful relationship with his son, Jesus, now gives me everything I need!  "So do not fear, for I am with you: do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

I have come a long way in dealing with my fear and insecurities. My quiet times are cherished now, and I really enjoy being "alone"!

God has equipped me with trust in Him, and allowed me to let go of my fears and receive His loving presence and direction at all times.  Considering my husband works out of town all week, leaving me as the sole parent to care for our children, shows my unbelievable progress.  I know it was part of God's plan to rely on Him, have faith in myself and overcome!

I live with Jesus always in my heart.  I am in Him and He lives in me.  I clearly see that God is always at work creating good things, even through bad circumstances.  He guides me daily with His word, prayer and an amazing community of people.  

Dear Heavenly Father, 

I am grateful that my weakness, fears and desperation for needing someone ultimately led me to Your arms.  With faith that you are always near, I have peace, joy and confidence.  Thank you for being in control of my life and always protecting, guiding , loving and providing for me as your precious child. I will not be afraid, and I know I am not alone as stated perfectly in the following song by Kari Jobe, "I Am Not Alone". 

Be Still from Busyness

“Be still, and know that I am God...” Psalm 46:10

Why do I put so much pressure on myself to get things done? Why do I have to be constantly moving, creating, fixing, doing? Why are my expectations of myself and of my accomplishments so high?  Who’s approval really matters?

I’ve asked myself these questions a lot lately after realizing that I cause a lot of my own stress due to unnecessary busyness. 

Busyness can get the best of me and lead to overwhelming feelings of stress, frustration and exhaustion.  But why?  I’ve prayed about this over and over knowing it’s a problem I face. It’s not always bad, but when I have a day when the lies in my head tell me I’m not good enough or when I feel I can’t “fix” a situation, I try to prove my worth and value through my productivity. 

I can feel the activity ball rolling throughout the day and sometimes I can’t stop it.  I’ll ask God for forgiveness, knowing that He’s in control of all my situations and He loves me unconditionally. Praying for peace allows me to rest for a while, but then the guilt of not doing enough rises up and I jump right back onto my treadmill of activities.

I'm reminded of one of those “busy” days occurring last year at this same time.   I started my Monday at 6:00am with prayer time, then breakfast with my 3 children before rushing out the door.  I taught an 8:00am fitness class and then trained a client at 9:15am. On my way home, my mind began to race with all the changes, schedules and issues going on in my life along with tasks I needed to do.  Knowing my husband wouldn’t return home from work until Friday, I was determined to feel accomplished and check off my to-do list. With each task I began, I created more work for myself.  While designing fitness programs for my clients, I organized my file cabinet. Putting away laundry, I cleaned out my drawers and closet. Preparing lunch, I cleaned out my entire refrigerator and freezer, plus my pantry! On the way to my mailbox, I pulled out all the weeds in the front of my house. Helping my daughter select a picture for a school assignment, I uploaded a bunch more pictures to put into my photo album.  These are only a few examples of how the race of accomplishment continued.

I got myself so overwhelmed with activity, and then felt guilty and exhausted.  On top of it all, I still had to maintain my household and parenting responsibilities without my husband home, including driving my children to dance, baseball practice and a baseball game. That night, I spoke to my husband on the phone about my “ busyness problem” occurring again.  I was beating myself up and he reminded me to take it easy, and that no one expects anything from me the way I do. Yes, I got A LOT accomplished, but at what price? All of that activity in one day was ridiculous. I never stopped, and I made myself literally sick with mental, emotional and physical exhaustion.  I kept hearing “Be still and rest.”,  but I ignored it.  Did I feel that if I didn’t keep “working” I would be a failure? Would I have a better life because I had a clean refrigerator and pantry, an organized closet, file cabinet and drawers, updated photo albums and no weeds in my yard?  What was really going on in my head and in my heart? I knew I needed to seek God for answers.

God’s voice was loud and clear. The next day, while attending my bible study, “Hearing the Voice of God”, our leader quoted Exodus 14:13. ”Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance of the Lord….” and then she said, “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to BE STILL.” At the end of the class, we listened to a song where the first line was “I could just sit….”

Homework for our class was to fast from something that was competing for our attention, keeping us from worship, prayer and time with God for one week.  I knew I had to fast from this “busyness”. I decided to not do any activity that wasn’t necessary, and take one hour of my day to devote to God. When I got home, my internet, phone, television, and email weren’t working! Hello, God!  Later on, I had three of my upcoming client sessions for the next two days cancel on me too. I hear you, Lord! I laid down upstairs in the middle of the afternoon, by myself, secluded from activity and people and prayed for one hour.  It was marvelous!

The next morning during my prayer time, I read this bible verse from my daily devotional Jesus Calling, “My presence will go with you and I will give you rest.”  Exodus 33:14

 Thank you, Jesus!! You always know just what I need.  I continued to abstain from activity that week, and felt so refreshed and closer to God while hearing His truths.

Satan will form lies and distractions, but we must choose to claim God’s promises, no condemnation. I need to break free from these lies that my worth and value come out of my accomplishments.  I am not defined by what I do, my mothering skills, my cleaning skills, my name on a business card, what I wear or what I accomplished in a day, but rather who I am in Christ Jesus. I am defined by the God who knows me by name, who promises that nothing I do or don’t do can separate me from His love that is in Christ Jesus.  I am loveable, worthy, valuable and amazing just the way God created me. He is my strength and my refuge who will stay beside me always, giving me rest from all anxiety and overwhelming situations. God is helping me realize that I’m okay as a “human being” not a “human doing”.

Dear Jesus, please help me be still with patience and rest in your presence and sovereignty when feelings of unworthiness and anxiety flood me.  May I stand on your promise that I am loved unconditionally and my value is not based on my performance, but as a beloved child of God.

 

“We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised. “ Hebrews 6:12